In June of this year it will be forty-nine years since I promised to honor my marriage vows “in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” This portion of the wedding ceremony is particularly dramatic and brings to mind numerous stories of tragic young lovers who chose death rather than separation from the objects of their love—hapless teenagers drinking poison, falling on their swords, and driving off cliffs to avoid the pain of enduring an existence without their true loves.
After nearly half a century of marriage, however, I can tell you that “in sickness and in health” seldom carries with it the kinds of dramatic elements that the phrase implies. Having a young spouse succumb to a fatal disease is rare. Experiencing health problems that bring pressure to bear on both spouses and test a marriage will, however, sooner or later, play a role in nearly every married couple’s lives.
For instance, it is not uncommon for healthy spouses to remain with their mates while they are battling cancer, recovering from an accident, or struggling to regain their health from any number of illnesses. Too often, however, when the ailing spouse recovers, the healthy spouse files for divorce. Even in our permissive society, anyone is considered to be a really bad person if he chooses to leave a spouse when that spouse needs him the most, but he can be forgiven and, perhaps, even admired if he waits until his spouse has recovered before ending the marriage. Furthermore, it may be a little easier to care for a sick husband or wife when we have already made up our minds that this situation is not going to last “forever.”As soon as they are well—or at least better—we will move on without them and without regrets.
“In sickness and in health” does not always apply to one’s spouse. The health of a child can also have devastating consequences on a marriage. In 1986 I met a woman who gave birth to a Downs Syndrome child. He was her fourth, and the doctor assured her that his particular type of Downs Syndrome was not genetic and that it would be perfectly “safe” for her and her husband to have another child.
The woman did not follow the doctors’ advice to abandon her newborn son, leave the hospital without him, and go on with her life. Instead, she opted for the heart surgery that was necessary in order for him to live, took him home, and began to study the disease so that she would have a better idea of how to best raise him.
Two years later she gave birth to a second son who was also born with Downs Syndrome—although it was the other type. Again, she authorized the heart surgery that would allow her child to live and took him home.
Having five children, the youngest two of whom were severely disabled, put a strain on the marriage. The husband finally gave the wife an ultimatum: She would either institutionalize her two youngest sons or he would divorce her. She could not even consider abandoning her children, and the husband left. When I met her in 1986, she was completing her degree and working as a social worker for the state where she lived helping families with Downs Syndrome children find the training and services for their children that would prepare them for adulthood.
The illness or death of a child often brings so much stress that neither partner is willing to continue with the marriage. When so much suffering occurs, it is natural to want to get away from everything and everyone who is connected to the grief and feelings of helplessness that become a part of every day life. In times like these we need to remember that we have made a commitment to stay with our spouses “in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” When we remind ourselves that we cannot leave during the sickness, and we cannot leave afterwards when things are better, we take away the options that end our marriages.
Many years ago I read a story in the Reader’s Digest about a man who received a notice from the city where he lived that his house was going to be taken under eminent domain. Unlike most people who receive such notices, this man was delighted. The city quoted him a price for his house that he believed to be above fair market value, and he looked forward to being able to buy a better property for his family.
The children were not as enthusiastic about the impending move as their father so he decided to do something really “fun.” He bought cans of brightly colored paint and went outside where he began covering the house with graffiti. He painted pictures of trees and flowers, clouds, and stars, and anything else that struck his fancy. The children soon joined him, and he handed them paint brushes so that they could add their own artwork to the outside walls of the house. For several days they worked, and when they had covered the outside walls, they painted the doors and even the windows so that not one speck of the original paint showed, and no window was left unpainted.
The father was not concerned about the damage that he and his children were doing because the city was going to knock the house down anyway. They could simply spend the next week or so doing whatever damage they wished—without giving a thought to any possible consequences.
About a week before the family was to vacate the house and receive their check, however, a second notice arrived. The city had decided to reroute their road project, and they would not be taking the house after all.
The father was stunned! The day that he had made up his mind that he was going to be vacating his house, he had ceased to maintain it and had even done things that made it absolutely unsellable. When he realized, however, that he was “stuck” in that house, he went out and bought enough white paint to repaint the entire exterior. He also spent many hours scraping the paint off the windows and repainting the trim.
I think that this is a good illustration of what happens in our marriages when we take divorce off the table. The day that we commit to remain in our marriages “until death do us part,” we begin to look for ways to make our marriages better. We work to maintain them and also to restore them when damage has been done.
I will end this two-part series the way I began it, “If you want to stay married, never get a divorce, and you’ll stay married.” After you commit to honor that portion of your vows, begin to find ways to make your marriage a place where both you and your spouse will want to spend a lifetime.
Joyce Swann is a nationally-known author and speaker. Her own story of teaching her ten children from the first grade through master’s degrees before their seventeenth birthdays is retold in her book, Looking Backward: My Twenty-Five Years as a Homeschooling Mother. For more information visit her website at http://www.frontier2000.net or like her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/frontier2000mediagroup.
No comments:
Post a Comment