As our nation’s debt nears the 17 trillion dollar mark, I have begun working on a plan to get the spending under control and restore prosperity using a common-sense approach to government. As a wife and the mother of ten children I know that when one is faced with the necessity of reigning in the spending, there is no better place to begin than at Walmart. The following are some of my recommendations for the federal government to follow to reign in their own spending. The list is not exhaustive, but I think it is a good start:
First, we should adopt the Walmart approach when making all federal government purchases. The federal government will set a price based on the fair market value that they will pay for each item, whether it is a transport plane or a paper clip. They will then publish that price and allow suppliers to apply to supply that particular item at the listed price. Suppliers will be chosen according to their ability to fulfill orders quickly and efficiently. Quality control checks will quickly detect substandard materials, and any supplier who does not meet the criteria of timeliness and quality will lose its contract effective immediately.
Next, all TSA employees will be replaced by senior citizens who will be trained by Walmart to function very much like Walmart greeters. This will save the taxpayers billions of dollars because we seniors will be willing to wear our own dockers, polo shirts, and tennis shoes that we purchase ourselves out of the money in our own bank accounts. The only “uniform” we will require will be the familiar Walmart vest with the word “Walmart” removed and the initials “TSA” added.
An additional benefit to having Walmart greeters staff the TSA is that we seniors have enough life experience to know that while the 92 year old woman in the wheelchair is almost certainly wearing Depends, she is not wearing a suicide bomber’s vest. We will, therefore, simply smile and allow her to pass without harassing her.
We also have the benefit of having been raised in a kinder gentler world where it is considered rude and unacceptable to grope a stranger’s body parts while he or she is attempting to pass from the metal detector to the boarding gate. No more stuffing of hands under the clothing of housewives while lines of would-be passengers look on to make certain that the wire the metal detector picked up really is the underwire in her bra.
My plan will also require that Sam’s Club, the big box store set up to allow small business owners to purchase various items at discounted prices, participate. Because I have lived on the Mexican border for virtually all of my adult life, I am well acquainted with the mindless inefficiency of the federal government in supplying work visas, student visas, and all sorts of other permissions that allow immigrants to be in this country legally. We who live in border towns are well aware of the dilemma of the Mexican people who are in this country legally but have never been issued a laminated card proving their legal status. Instead, they carry with them—sometimes for ten years or more—a grimy, frayed paper issued by our government that verifies their legal status while they wait to receive the much coveted laminated card.
As a long-time member of Sam’s Club, I can attest that when one applies for membership at Sam’s, they are able to complete your application, establish your eligibility, and issue a laminated card with your picture and membership number within minutes. I, therefore, strongly urge the feds to turn over all aspects of issuing these visas to Sam’s Club.
An added benefit of having Sam’s Club oversee this function is that they never lose track of their members. They send emails and hard copy catalogs to their members on a regular basis. They always know whether a membership is current, and whenever a member whose membership is coming up for renewal is shopping in a Sam’s Club, that information appears on the screen of the cash register the moment the card is swiped. The clerk then offers to renew that membership on the spot. A club that efficient will not experience the problem the federal government seems to have in keeping up with those who enter the country on visas and then simply “disappear” never to be found again.
Finally, I propose that we set up Bentonville, Arkansas, as our provisional capital. (Please note that the definition of a provisional capital is, “a town or city chosen as an interim base of operations due to some difficulty in retaining or establishing control of a different metropolitan area.) Since all training for all federal positions will, of necessity, be done at the Walmart headquarters, this only makes sense. Both houses of Congress will need to move their offices to Bentonville as well. In this environment they can be expected to make better decisions and to get their heads on straight.
In Bentonville the lavish and costly lifestyles of our elected officials, which we taxpayers are currently funding, will be replaced by activities such as clog dancing, AKA Irish step dancing, quilting, and fiddle playing. A special dinner out will consist of a bucket of KFC eaten at a picnic table in a local park. We can only hope that this will help them better connect with their constituents.
Washington will remain the "permanent capital" of the United States. This will allow tourists to go to the city to tour the White House and the various monuments and museums. While other elected officials will govern from Bentonville, the president will continue to live in the White House in D.C. He will be “under White House arrest” so to speak. He will not be allowed to leave the city limits unless he is on official federal government business, such as inspecting damage done by a natural disaster or traveling abroad on official business. No more golfing, shooting hoops, languishing on the beach, or stuffing his face with lobster at Martha’s Vineyard on the taxpayer’s dime. These rules will apply to all future presidents as well.
I believe that it is time to send a message to all our elected officials, and that message is, “Welcome to Walmart!”
Joyce Swann is co-author of The Chosen, a dystopian novel about the battle of one U.S. family to restore the Constitution and stop the indefinite detention provisions of the National Defense Authorization Act. For more information, visit her website at http://www.frontier2000.net
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