When Fathers Refuse to Lead

The Bible is clear about the roles of husbands and wives: The husband is the head of the household, and the wife submits to him. Right? Maybe not, or at least, maybe not all the time.

Paul writes to the Corinthians, “…a wife is responsible to her husband, her husband is responsible to Christ, and Christ is responsible to God.” (I Corinthians 11:3) Virtually all Christian wives agree that this is the proper order and God’s perfect plan for families, but what happens when husbands refuse to lead?

Perhaps the best New Testament example of a believing wife and an unbelieving husband is found in Timothy’s parents.  Timothy’s mother Eunice was a faithful Jewess who believed that the scriptures had genuine value, and she wanted her son to learn them from his earliest youth. Timothy’s father was a Greek and a heathen. We can be pretty certain that these parents did not agree about how their son was to be taught; yet, Eunice took the lead in teaching him and made certain that he knew the scriptures—the same scriptures that made Timothy “wise to accept God’s salvation by trusting in Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:15)

What would have happened if Eunice had waited for her husband to step up and take the lead in teaching Timothy God’s laws?  What would have happened if she had taken the position that Timothy’s father was an unbelieving heathen who set a horrible example for his son, and it was, therefore, useless for her to even try to bring Timothy into a relationship with God? If Eunice had waited for her husband to take his place as the spiritual leader, Timothy would never have played a part in the establishment of the early church.

For a variety of reasons some husbands refuse to be the spiritual leaders of the family. When that happens, does it mean that the Christian wife/mother should stand back, keep her mouth shut, and let the children grow up without knowing God’s word that will make them wise to accept His salvation? I do not believe that we can find any scriptural precedent to justify such a position.

For a moment let’s think of the family as a military unit. When United States military troops are in battle, if the highest-ranking officer becomes unable to lead (through death or injury) the next highest-ranking soldier immediately takes command. Never do the troops say, “Our leader was shot, so now that we have no leader we are just going to stand here and refuse to do anything.” The next in command takes over instantly, and the battle continues. If he becomes unable to lead, the command passes to the next in command. Thus, it is possible that the command could eventually pass to a private, but under the rules, it is not possible to have no one in charge.

I believe that we have ample evidence that when the husband refuses to lead, the responsibility for leadership passes to the mother. This does not mean that she is disrespectful of her husband or that she does not demand that her children show him proper respect; it does means that she recognizes that she will be the one to equip them for adulthood because, “The whole Bible was given to us by inspiration from God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives; it straightens us out and helps us do what is right. It is God’s way of making us well prepared at every point, fully equipped to do good to everyone.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

All mothers should set up a time to read the Bible to their children every day—even if the husband is a faithful Christian who also reads the Bible with the children. Because husbands are gone so much of the time, they cannot always be available for Bible reading. Many travel as part of their jobs; nearly all work late from time to time; most have various meetings that can play havoc with “family time.” It is, therefore, up to the mother to make certain that the Bible reading takes place every day, no matter what.

Another thing that Christian wives can do to ensure that their children grow up well is to make certain that they have a relationship with male family members who will set a good example for them. Christian grandfathers and uncles can do a great deal to teach through their examples that real men serve Jesus. It is important that all children—and especially little boys—have Christian male role models in their lives.

If your husband is a Christian who takes his place as the head of the household and works to make certain that his children grow up knowing Jesus, you are blessed. If, however, your husband is a lukewarm Christian who would rather sleep in on Sundays and then watch the football game, take your children to church anyway. Set the example of the believing parent who knows the importance of church in the growth of a child’s faith. If your husband is an unbeliever who thinks Christianity is for women only, keep praying for him, and continue to set a good example through your own Godly life. Always keep in mind that in the absence of a husband who leads it is your responsibility to take that leadership role and equip your children to live for Christ.

Joyce Swann is a nationally-known author and speaker. Her own story of teaching her ten children from the first grade through master’s degrees before their seventeenth birthdays is retold in her book, Looking Backward: My Twenty-Five Years as a Homeschooling Mother. For more information visit her website at http://www.frontier2000.net/ or like her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/frontier2000mediagroup